NOTE: This post is going to talk about potentially triggering information and is not technical. You’ve been warned.
If you’ve been reading this blog, you know that I spent sometime making a film about software development (https://helloworldfilm.com). It’s something I’m as passionate about as coding. That first film was personal to me. I learned a lot while making it; about film making and about myself.
For my next film, I’m leaving the technical realm and talking about something I’ve only shared with close friends and family. I was sexually abused as a child. For me, it’s not important to explain what happened to me as a kid. What is important is how it has shaped me as an adult.
Growing up as a man in this culture imbued me with some ideas about what it is to me male and how I should feel about myself. Unfortunately, abuse as a child can leave scars that are easy to try and cover up. I could not pretend that I was just like every other kid. I had to get help.
I was one of the lucky ones. I started to get help for the abuse in my twenties. But even with early intervention it is still something that affects every relationship I have. I have some dark days and I’ve not been able to be there for some people in my life.
Sometimes I get lauded because of strong work ethic and follow-through. The reality is that I’ve used workaholic-ism as a way to distract myself from the pangs of doubt and shame that linger even after these many years of therapy and treatment. I’m not a perfect person and I’m lucky to have a very supportive wife and team of people who help me get better every day.
At the end of the day, I want this film to be a beacon of hope for the men out there who have not gotten help. They deserve healing.
About a year before Covid started, I started doing research into how recovery from childhood sexual abuse is different (not better or worse) for men than it is for women. In doing that research, I’ve found a cadre of men who are willing to tell their story of struggle, healing and thriving through the scars of sexual abuse.
Now that vaccinations are becoming widespread, I can finally start filming. To that end, I’ve started a crowdfunding campaign to help me fund the travel required to meet with these eight men and record their stories. Here’s a short video about what I’m trying to accomplish:
If you’re so inclined, you can help me make this film by contributing to my crowd funding campaign here:
Thanks for reading…really.